Awards Shows for The Rest of Us

Most of you probably don't want to admit it, but you watch the Academy Awards, don't you. It's one of those guilty little pleasures, watching all of these really pretentious people crying and sighing into the microphone as if anyone really cares about the 6300 people they have to thank. My favorites are the ones who effusively thank their agents and their lawyers and forget all about their spouses - at least they're being totally honest in their priorities.

But with all the hype and the hoopla, we're missing a basic fact here - why are there no awards shows for the rest of us?

Not one to stand idly by when an injustice of this magnitude is being perpetrated, I took it upon myself to contact Sleazy-Dreams - the Reality TV Department at Fox - and told them that the common folks needed their own awards show. They readily agreed to broadcast it during an extended commercial break between the mega-hits "Married by Americans in Prison" and "Joe Lies Some More About His Finances". So here - only here, mind you - is a preview of what you'll be seeing.

"Good evening, and welcome to the first annual Total Nobody Awards. In this ground-breaking evening, we will be giving out the coveted gold-painted "Chumpie", with is modeled in recycled plastic to depict an empty wallet sitting on a stack of overdue bills. We're extremely excited, aren't we Mary Lou?"

"Indeed we are, Butch. We've been waiting breathlessly here on the lime-green Astroturf outside the spacious 43-seat Denny's Rotary Club Meeting Room for almost four minutes, anticipating a glimpse of one of tonight's nominees."

"Well the wait is over, Mary Lou. A 1967 Toyota has just pulled up to the curb, and here comes Helon Earth. Helon, who is one of the frontrunners for walking away with a Chumpie in the difficult Mother Getting Six Children Ready For School category, looks absolutely radiant in her stretch pants and sweatshirt."

"That she does, Butch. And you're right, she's defiantly a favorite tonight. Her performance in the multiple peanut-butter-sandwich-preparation scene, combined with the single-handed drool wiping, just left me breathless. And the jelly in her hair looked so real!"

"That's because it was real, Mary Lou, and that's what makes her such a consummate professional. Nothing is left to chance with Helon - that was genuine generic strawberry jam, purchased in a 55-gallon drum from a warehouse store." "Oh look, Butch. It seems that her escort for the evening is another Chumpie favorite, I.M. Behind. I don't see how anyone will touch I.M. in the Deadbeat Dad competition. I mean, he's over $63,000 behind in just 13 months - that's a guy who can really turn in a performance when the chips are down."

"You bet. I understand he changed jobs 136 times last year in order to rack up that impressive performance."

"Okay, just getting out of his pickup is Al Fraydo. He's more of a longshot in his category, Food On A Budget. He got the nomination based on his use of free pepper and ketchup packets from McDonalds to make up his signature Al's Spicy Tomato Soup. But don't forget - he's up against Bob Forapples, and he's going to be tough. His performance in 101 Ways To Make A Chicken Last For Six Months is one of the best we've ever seen in this category."

"Oh look! Here comes Mary A. Doctor. She's up for a Chumpie in the How To Increase Your Net Worth category. I like her chances here - she went out of her way to snag herself a surgeon - granted, he's a tree surgeon, but you still have got to respect the effort she put out."

"Indeed - much better than Rob Banks. Rob brought in a lot more cash in a shorter period of time than Mary, but his doing 15 to 20 is really going to cramp his ability to make a decent acceptance speech tonight."

"Wow - what an evening! Unfortunately, we're getting the signal from our producer that it's about time to break away and get you back to "Joe Lies Some More About His Finances". I understand tonight he'll be revealing that he's actually a Porta-Potty cleaning technician who just signed a multi-billion dollar book and movie contract for his autobiographical "How To Dupe Gullible Women And Get A Multi-Billion Dollar Book And Movie Contract."

"Let that be a lesson to all of us, Butch. It pays to have dreams."