Can We Get That Dog To Read?

We just recently adopted a new golden retriever from one of those wonderful dog rescue places that help find new homes for animals that somehow other people didn’t want. We named our new son Tanner, although I really don’t know why we bothered with a formal name. He could best be described as starved for affection – actually that would be a bit of an understatement – so almost immediately he earned the nickname of Noodle, due to his propensity to collapse into a helplessly ecstatic lump of gold fur as soon as anybody pets him. Sort of like a boneless dog.

Knowing of our new addition to the family – that makes two golden retriever rugs spread out in the living room – a friend passed along the following letter from a pet owner to his new pets (original author unknown):

“Dear Dogs:

“When I say to move, it means to go somewhere else, not to simply switch positions with each other so that there are still two of you in the way.

“The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your plate of food. Nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

“The stairway was not designed by NASCAR, and is therefore not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help, because I fall faster than you can run.

“I cannot buy anything larger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. I suggest you look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. You will see that they can actually curl up in a ball – and that proves that it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space use is nothing but sarcasm.

“For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years without assistance – canine attendance is not mandatory.

“Remember, the proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog’s butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would really constitute a very minor change for you, but would mean a lot to me.

“Finally, to pacify you I have posted the following message on the front door, which contains all the rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about you two:

1. They live here, you don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better then I like most people.
4. To you they’re animals. To me, they are an adopted son and daughter who are short, hairy, walk on all fours, and are speech-challenged.
5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t drink or smoke, don’t worry about buying the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, and don’t need a gazillion dollars for college. And if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.”

Now, if could just get them to read the letter. Paul Bianchina can be reached for comments at paul2887@direcway.com.