Ready for Employee Idol?

With the economy a little on the down side, employers have been cutting back on salaries and raises. As a result, employees are fighting a little harder to get good evaluations during their annual performance reviews. It's made for a tough, competitive workplace, and I recently discovered that some companies have even turned to outside evaluators to conduct their evaluations.

"Hello, and welcome to Employee Idol. I'm your host Ryan Seaweed, and today we'll be evaluating Kathleen and Eduardo, our final two employees. They are both competing for the coveted 3% raise, and today is their last chance to shine in front of the judges. We'll start with Kathleen."

"Hi. I've been working for you for 11 years, I never take lunch, I work Saturdays for free, and I've prepared 347,629 letters with only two documented typos."

"Randy, we'll start the evaluation process with you."

"Hey Dog. Hey Dude. Hey Dude-Dog. What's happenin'? Well look, I didn't hate it. I mean, you did your thang this past year, and that's a happenin' thang for any Dog to be doing it with, even when there's that thang that's been happenin' without the rest of the Dudes. But look Dog, it was just okay - no standin' O from the Randy-man, but it was okay Dude. Paula, how about you?"

"Hello Kathleen. I just want you to know that I thought your performance this past year has been incredible. The way you put the paper in the copy machine tells me that you have an indomitable spirit that yearns to soar free, and your toner-changing abilities have proven week after week that you have come out here to win. Even when you were caught embezzling money, I knew it was only to help out your poor ailing Porsche, and I thought 'Good for you, girlfriend, keep up the excellent work'. Simon, you big cute hunk of grump, what did you think?"

"Paula, you're a moron. Cute, but a moron. As for you, Kathleen, if I'm being honest, I've seen one-legged sloths who can type faster than you. Working 87 hours a week simply shows me that either you're too dumb to get your work done in a reasonable time, or you're too much of a loser to have a life. And, Kath-not-lean, if I'm being honest you need to lose about 50 pounds just to have some vague resemblance to a normal human being. You should never have gotten this job in the first place, and if it were up to me I'd have you fired, beaten, burned, decapitated, and then fed to a pride of ugly lions with bad breath. Next!"

"Uh, I'm Eduardo. I've been with the company for 15 years, I've never missed a day of work, I donate my vacation time to charity, and I come in on Sundays to vacuum and clean the offices in order to help the company save money on janitorial services."

"Randy?"

"Hey Dog. What's happenin' Dude-person? Whatz up little Doggie? Well look, I didn't love you this past year, but I didn't hate you either. Ya know? You did your thang, and it comes out without even doin' that, which is pretty cool, even when it wasn't with all of it, ya know? It was sorta solid but like you missed somethang when it came to Dudeness, which is okay I guess, 'cause you still did your thang. I mean, you're the Dog there, Dog, so it was cool, and it was your thang. Paula, did you like this Dog?" "Eduardo, you're fabulous. I just love the silver suit you're wearing, especially with the green tie and the purple hat - it shows your free-spirit side, and I embrace that you want to rise up and touch the stars. Even when you hit the boss with your car in the parking lot, you were so sweet about putting down your cell phone for a moment while you backed your car off him. That showed real respect, and I applaud your gentle inner child. Your name makes me think of sun-dappled Mediterranean shores, and I want to hug you for that. Every day, you pick little pieces of lint off the fabric of humanity, and that makes the world just a perfect, luscious, soft-centered, smiley kind of place that I yearn to share with laughing children and warm puppies."

"Paula, you're an idiot. Cute, but an idiot. As for you Ed-weirdo, you could possibly be the worst employee on the face of the planet. There are probably forms of mold sticking to my $40,000 see-through silk t-shirt that have a higher I.Q. than yours. Even when you clean the office for free you're being tremendously overpaid. I mean, if I'm being honest, I would like to see you castrated, drawn and quartered, boiled in oil, suspended upside-down from a barbed-wire rope, bathed in acid, and then diced in a Cuisinart and fed to one-eyed crows with personality disorders.