Imponderables

As I go through life, I often encounter those things that seem perfectly normal to some people, but which leave me somewhat perplexed. I call these things imponderables, not for any deep philosophical reason, but simply because I think the word sounds cool.

Imponderable Trait Number 1: Why do men back into parking places? This is an interesting behavior seen in any number of parking lots, but especially outside sporting goods stores and places that sell beer or auto parts. It is always a man – I have never seen a woman exhibit this particular trait – and while it’s done with vehicles of any type, it’s more often seen with pickup trucks.

The man pulls down the aisle like anyone else, but then has to stop and carefully back his rig into the space. It doesn’t matter how many cars are waiting for him or how many tries it takes to get the truck aligned correctly in the space, it has to be done just so. If there is a woman in the vehicle with him, she will usually be staring off into space, as though she simply wants to be anywhere else at that moment.

So, what’s the reason? Is the driver actually a CIA agent that may be called to a terrorist threat at any moment? Is he a world-renowned surgeon who may be called to an emergency quadruple frontal lobe bypass transplant just as he’s pulling in for a six-pack? Is he concerned that the parking lot will be locked up for the night, trapping him helplessly inside just because he couldn’t pull out of the space fast enough? Definitely an imponderable.

Imponderable Trait Number 2: Why do more women then men talk on their cell phones while driving? Come on – don’t fight it. Just like you guys out there that can’t resist backing into parking places, a lot of women are secretly nodding to themselves right now, knowing how much fun it is to drive and chat at the same time.

You see, men would rather concern themselves with getting somewhere, anywhere, in the shortest amount of time possible, and that requires concentration. For women it seems to be more about the journey than it is the destination, and if they can have a nice, stimulating phone call at the same time, well, life is just plain good. Wherever it is they’re going, and whatever it is that’s waiting at the other end, it’s just not as important as meandering along in their four-wheel phone booth.

It’s fun – really scary, but still fun – to watch cell phone driving techniques. I watched a woman trying to make a U-turn and talk on the phone at the same time. The president was apparently giving her the great news that she had just won the Nobel Prize for Literature, because whatever was being said on the phone at that moment was far more important than trying to turn a full-size SUV through 180 degrees in heavy traffic with just one hand. The front wheel hit the curb once, but nary a word of that conversation was lost in the shuffle.

Imponderable Trait Number 3: Why do men urinate all over the toilet seats in public restrooms? Sorry I had to be the one to ask this, but darn it, we have to face this unpleasant truth. Men – why can’t you lift the seat up before you get started? Does it not occur to any of you that the next guy might need to sit on that toilet instead of stand in front of it? If you were the poor guy who had a pressing need to slip into a stall and sit down to take care of business, does plopping down on a wet seat appeal to you?

Now I must admit that I am making an assumption here, that this is a problem that’s limited to men’s rooms and not to the lady’s. The simple physics of a woman urinating on a toilet seat defies all logical comprehension, so I’m pinning this one strictly on the guys. I imagine it could be a marking territory type of thing, but who really wants to claim a public bathroom toilet seat as his own, and then defend it against all comers? Or is it more simple than that – I can’t do it at home, so by God I’m gonna do it here!

I think I need to ponder this a little longer.