Can't Be Too Safe When Mowing the Lawn

Having a fairly sizable chunk of mangy lawn to mow, I decided recently to invest in a riding lawn mower. I was delighted to see that it came with a video tape which, foolishly as it turned out, I assumed would have a practical purpose. In fact, I honestly think that was the original intention of whoever had the idea to make and include a tape in the first place.

Unfortunately, they let their lawyers write the script.

"Hello, and congratulations on the purchase of your new Jim Moose JM-5000 lawn and garden tractor! Of course, by congratulating you we do not mean to imply that you are in any way better off then other people who have not purchased a JM-5000, nor that ownership of the JM-5000 - which is available equally to all people regardless of race, creed, sexual orientation, or type of lawn, as well as to those who don't have a lawn, should they choose to buy a lawn mower anyway - is intended to state, imply, intimate, whisper, hint at, or otherwise give the impression that you are entitled to anything not specifically covered in Volumes 1 - 712 of the JM Video Tape Library, or Pages 1 - 12,691 of the Express Warranty And Condensed Operating And Safety Instructions of the Jim Moose Owner's Manual.

Part One - Cutting Blades. After an exhaustive study, it has been determined that 81.4 percent of Mower-Cutting-Blade-related lawsuits have arisen due to having sharp metal blades on the mower. Therefore, to assist with the safe operation of the JM-5000, we have chosen to equip it with rubber cutting blades. These blades, which are limited to one revolution per minute, were specially designed to have absolutely no cutting edge that might hurt anyone who inadvertently started the mower, left it running, removed all the guards, put the mower up on blocks, and then reached underneath to remove the plastic wading pool they ran over. Instead, our revolutionary blades are designed to confuse the grass into thinking it is about to cut, and therefore intimidate it to the point that it will want to avoid that fate by simply not growing any more.

Part 2 - Driver Interlock Protection Override (DIPO). After an exhaustive study, it has been determined that 79.54 percent of Mower-Driver-Ejection-related lawsuits have arisen from drivers who inadvertently stand up on the seat, face backwards, balance on one foot, and then lean out over the side of the mower to try and grab another beer as they drive past the cooler.

"For that reason, we have designed DIPO, which prevents you from doing just that. In order to operate your JM-5000, the Seat Sensor will need to verify that you are sitting down and facing forward; the Steering Wheel Sensor will need to verify that you have both hands on the wheel in the proper 10:00 / 2:00 position (Eastern Standard Time - see Page 783 of the separate DIPO manual for allowable hand placement in other time zones); the Floorboard Sensor will need to verify that both feet are flat on the floor and firmly encased in steel-reinforced Mower Driving Boots that reach at least to mid-thigh; the Dashboard Sensor Beam will need to verify that you are wearing a steel-reinforced Mower Driving Helmet with Integral Debris-Deflecting Triple-Strength Wire-Mesh-Imbedded NASA-Approved Safety Goggles and a steel-reinforced Independent Air Supply Tank and Full-Body Respirator equipped with Anti-Grass-Fume Inhalation Filters.

Part 3 - Safe Steering and Back-up Procedures. After exhaustive study, it has been determined that 82.63 percent of Mower-Operator-related lawsuits have arisen due to problems encountered when attempting to turn or back up the mower. Therefore, as part of our ever-expanding list of Can't Sue Us Because You're Stupid safety features, the wheels of the JM-5000 have been locked so that they cannot be steered, and we have completely eliminated reverse from the transmission.

Part 4 - Safety Precautions For Bystanders. After an exhaustive study, it has been determined that 92.3 percent of Mower-Bystander-related lawsuits have arisen due to being a mower-bystander in the first place. Therefore, your JM-5000 has an Infrared- and Laser-Guided sensor system that will detect adults, children, dogs, cats, goldfish, squirrels, mold spores, or any other living organism that may want to stand around and watch you mow the lawn and then at some point throw themselves in front of the mower. Part 5 - Starting. After an exhaustive study, it has been determined that 100 percent of all-Mower-related lawsuits have arisen due to being able to start the mower.

"Therefore, we have removed the engine."