One Holiday Down,
A Couple Dozen To Go

Well thank goodness that controversial December holiday is finally over. What with searching for the perfect Christmas – sorry – holiday tree, shopping for holiday presents, and baking Holiday cookies, I’m exhausted. The only relaxing part was opening presents on Holiday morning, and, of course, our annual viewing of Chevy Chase’s Christmas Vacation. Uh, sorry again, Holiday Vacation. No, that’s not right. Anyway – that movie with Cousin Eddie.

But for those who strive diligently for political correctness in all things, the celebration over the elimination of the word Christmas from every official vocabulary could not last for long. No indeed. There is a whole slate of holidays coming up that require careful scrutiny, as well as a complete updating to meet the new rules coming forth from OH! – the Office of Hypersensitivity.

February, for example, brings us Saint Valentine’s Day, and that puppy is just chock full of offensive stuff. The first thing that obviously has to go is the word “Saint”, which is far too religious. Besides, The Society of Ignored Saints was planning a major protest to get recognition for themselves as well, each claiming that they should be granted equal importance to Saint Valentine, and therefore should have their own days of observance.

The most recent accounting I was able to find lists 2,565 saints, and that’s too many holiday days off even for the government to take. In the end, 2,566 lawsuits were filed – one on behalf of Saint Valentine — but no agreement could be reached, so “Saint” has been dropped completely.

With Saint gone, we next have to deal with the symbolism of Valentine’s Day. One prominent gun rights group has opposed the traditional image of Cupid with a bow and arrow, saying an AK-47 could be just as symbolic of love, and could hit a whole lot more people in a much shorter time frame. Over 1,100 lawsuits were filed but no agreement could be reached, so the bow and arrow symbol has been dropped completely.

Cardiology groups are very much in favor of the use of that ubiquitous symbol of the holiday, the heart, saying it raises awareness of cardiovascular fitness. However, several other physician’s groups are claiming rampant prejudice against other bodily organs, and their feelings need to be taken into consideration. Brief mention was made of having spleen-shaped candy boxes made, but since only seven people in the country know what a spleen actually looks like, that notion was rejected as being too confusing. Here, 947 heartfelt lawsuits were filed, but no agreement could be reached, so the heart symbol has been dropped completely.

Of course, candy is a huge part of Valentine’s Day, especially those little candy hearts with witty sayings on them like “B Mine.”

Since the heart symbol has been eliminated, candy manufacturers had planned on switching to a small lump of hardened sugar that has no specific shape, and therefore probably would not be offensive to anyone.

However, SIRENS — the Society of International Refiners of Edible Non-specific Shapes — a loosely knit group of sugar manufacturers, was concerned that sudden worldwide demand for their product would outstrip the manufacturing capacity of the two plants that produce non-specific candy lumps.

Two lawsuits were filed by SIRENS, 765 were filed by the sugar beet industry, and, right after a buffet lunch, a final one was filed by overeaters anonymous. No agreement could be reached, so – much to the disappointment of my wife – all candy has been dropped.

And then there was the tragic case of Val Entine. Ms. Entine has been the butt of cruel jokes ever since her birth on February 14, 1976, but she reached her boiling point when the post office delivered 56,398 cards from geographically challenged schoolchildren all over the county, each addressed to “Valentine, North Pole, America”, and all with postage due.

Ms. Entine filed a class action lawsuit on behalf of herself, 11 other Entines (no relation) and one lonely woman named Doris, seeking $14 billion in damages. In an out-of-court settlement, the government agreed to ban Valentine’s Day completely, but only after a possible compromise that would have renamed February 14 “Doris Day” could not be worked out.

One less politically incorrect holiday to worry about. Now, about President’s Day….