Stranger in a Strange Land

Any of you who have ever had the opportunity to travel to a foreign land know how exciting and intimidating an experience it can be. The exotic sights and smells, the unfamiliar habits of the local people, the murmuring of new and unfamiliar languages. My travels took me on just such an adventure recently, to a magical place I had heard so many people talk about but that I had always been too intimidated to visit.

The modern coffee shop.

I thought I was prepared. I had stood outside on a number of occasions and carefully studied the rituals – boldly step up to the counter, order quickly and with confidence, wait until someone notices before you place a tip in the jar, take exactly four steps to the right and then wait with patient anticipation as the strange and vaguely frightening machinery hisses and whirrs and steams and groans and eventually spits something into a gigantic cup.

But even though I had read the guide books and watched the PBS documentaries, I was still wholly unprepared for dealing with the language barrier.

“I’d like a medium cup of coffee,” I proclaimed with false confidence when my turn at the counter arrived. “With cream.” I smiled, handed her a $1 bill, and prepared to accept my change and shuffle to the right.

She looked at me a little oddly. “There’s no such thing as ‘medium’. Do you want Vente, Grande, Double Vente, Grande Vente, Vente with Double Grande, Vente Grande Vente, or Grande Vente Grande? And thank you for the tip - you can place it in the jar.”

“Ahh – vente I guess, if that’s kinda close to medium.” Then I flushed with embarrassment at her misunderstanding of the money in my hand. “And, uh, this isn’t exactly a tip – it’s to pay for the coffee.” I smiled. “You can keep the change, however.”

“Good one,” she chuckled, accepting the money and adding it to the tip jar. “So, did you want Columbian Supremo, Valdez Sweet, Andean Mild, Black Death, Hair Curler, Maxima Jolta, La Beano, Brazilian Mind Melter, Kona Leaf, Light Lava, Peruvian…”

“Wait, wait,” I interrupted. “Coffee! Just a cup of coffee!”

“Sir, please be calm. I’m trying to help, but we don’t speak the same language. We proudly offer over 11,000 hand-blended brews, and those are just the ones from the southeastern slopes of Brazil. When you throw in the Columbian Mid-Mountaintop blends, the Hawaiian Lava-Filtered Volcanic Blends, the Organic Micro-Blends, the…”

She trailed off as she saw the sweat of panic appear on my face. I heard the increasing din of complaint from the locals backing up behind me, and I was about to bolt for the door when a good-hearted gentleman stepped up to help. “Pardon me, sir, I couldn’t help but overhear. Perhaps I can help. I speak Coffee quite fluently, even though I must admit to a mild Latte Dialect accent that I acquired in my mis-spent youth. Would you like me to translate?”

“Please! I just want a cup of coffee, but she’s acting like that’s an unusual request or something.”

“Actually, it is,” he said patiently. “There is no such thing as ‘coffee’ here – that’s a common misconception among the new and uninitiated. But I think I understand. Allow me.”

He turned to the counter, and with amazing speed and self-confidence he took control. “He’d like a Single-Double Vente Semi-Grande Andeluvian Steamed Mild Black Gold Organic Mid-Peak Sun-Dried Double-Filtered Single Blend, Double-Double, Light Skinny, Single-Quad, One-Up, Dark with Mild-Light, Single Shot at the Mid-Brew, Triple-Dipped and Non-Twisted.” He smiled at me and eyed the crowd. “To go.”

“Why didn’t he just say that,” she mumbled. “That’ll be $26.”

I fumbled for my Visa card, profusely thanking the helpful gentleman.

“No problem. Just move quickly to your right – exactly four steps – and then wait patiently. Before the locals riot.”

I did as instructed, and before long I was handed a large cup of steaming liquid that burned into my palm. I stepped away, relieved and excited, and moved outside. I waited the recommended 34 minutes until the crisp November air had cooled the blend sufficiently for me to take my first tentative sip, and I must admit that I was absolutely amazed at the flavor.

It tasted just like coffee.