It’s High Time for More Warnings
on TV Ads

(CAUTION: DO NOT TAKE THIS COLUMN LITERALLY)

On the TV screen, a 390 foot motor home is lum- bering down the road. In the rearview mirror, the driver glimpses a shiny new car about to swing out and pass him. He is so captivated by the car that he gets up from behind the wheel and strolls toward the back of his behemoth bus, pausing every few seconds to look out the window at the car that has so captured his attention. A warning appears in small print at the bottom of the screen:

“Do not leave moving vehicle unattended.”

On the TV screen, a volcano is seen rumbling to life in the distance. A thick stream of effluvium pours from the summit, ejecting an SUV. Said SUV lands perfectly in an open field. The wipers come on to clear away the muck, and then the vehicle happily drives off. A warning appears in small print at the bottom of the screen:

“Do not attempt.”

It is such a comfort to live in LawyerLand, where teams of ever-watchful attorneys are Velcroed to the hips of the truly stupid, or the truly stupid wannabes. Thank heavens someone is there to ensure we are protected against ourselves, lest we be overly tempted to let the RV drive itself while we ogle a passing car, or we pilot our $40,000 SUV into Mt. Saint Helens as it’s erupting, just to see what it’s like to pop out again.

My problem is not at all with the warnings, but instead with the fact that the warnings don’t go far enough in making me feel safe. They seem to be confined primarily to car ads, when in fact there is a big cruel television world out there, chock full of messages that I want to take literally as I strive for the pinnacle of stupidness. I need instructions! For heaven’s sake give me more of those fine-print warnings….

The TV screen shows a man enjoying a donut, and the voiceover says in a soothing tone:

“Johnson’s Old-Fashioned Donuts – for the taste of Grandma’s kitchen every day.”

This does not imply that donuts are actually made in an old-fashioned manner, or even in a kitchen. Eating old donuts can be hazardous to your health.

Eating donuts everyday should not be attempted, and may result in an increase in physical girth. Johnson’s is not responsible for costs associated with new pants.

No one named Grandma is associated with the company, and the owner’s own grandmother will not eat this product due to problems with her gout. Donuts do not actually taste like a kitchen.

The TV screen fills with the image of a stunning woman in a lush garden. Spring rain is falling gently on her bare shoulders. She is singing beautifully and softly to herself. She cups a bar of soap in her hand, gazes lovingly at the camera, and says:

“English Fountain Soap. One use will have you singing all day long.”

Nothing English is actually associated with the product. Soap is actually made just outside Pittsburgh. There is a fountain at the factory, but it was made in China and it doesn’t work. (Sub-warning: Not meant to imply that Chinese products do not work). Singing may not actually occur, even after repeated uses. If singing does occur, your voice may not sound like hers, and you may not be able to actually sing for an entire day. (Sub-warning: “All day” in this context is meant to be the 12-hour period of nominal daylight experienced at factory-selected latitudes).

Prolonged singing may cause vocal chord damage. Do not bathe outdoors in the rain. Do not stand naked in a garden unless you have a physical beauty that is equal to or greater than the model shown.

On the TV screen, the camera pans across the inside of a spectacular casino. A gorgeous young couple beams at each other in front of a slot machine as gold coins spill from the tray out onto the floor and “Jackpot” flashes repeatedly on the screen.

The man scoops up a handful of coins and lets them run through his fingers before tipping a passing cocktail waitress $10,000 for a bottle of water. His companion grins sensuously at him and holds up a room key. The newly-wealthy waitress stops, smiles and then winks at the camera, and says “The Coins-Of-Plenty Hotel and Casino. For luck – and a whole lot more.”

This scene was filmed in a Las Vegas casino, and is not meant to imply that the inside of our casino looks anything like this, because it doesn’t.

Slot machines do not pay in gold coins. Actual amount of jackpot value varies with number of players, time of day, weather, sun spots and current profitability of casino operations, but will not exceed 1/1000 of the value of all coins played on one machine in one minute. Gorgeous young couples are actors – actual average age of casino patrons is 107.6 years.

Actress does not actually have a room at the hotel, and in fact lives down the street with her brother. Actress was paid to grin sensuously, and all physical actions on her part are not intended to imply that she is not a good girl who is in fact saving herself for marriage.

Even though the wording of our tagline: “For luck – and a whole lot more” is obviously meant to be a clever and not very subtle play on words that conveys the clear impression that patronizing our establishment will result in financial gain and physical pleasure, the odds of winning are 1 in 197.26 trillion, and the odds of actually having sex are directly proportional to whether or not you win any money.) Actual value of bottled water 89 cents.

There, now don’t you feel safer?