Ah, The Joy of a Relaxing Vacation

Is there anything more relaxing than a long, well-deserved vacation? Lazy hours on the beach, strolling through quaint villages, seeing new sights – can’t be beat. So it was with great joy that we began planning the vacation we are about to embark on. Plenty of time, and a little effort at preplanning ensures a smooth and successful trip.

V-180 days: Vacation is still almost six months away. Silly to start planning it so far in advance, but I like to be proactive. Called the travel agent to book the airline tickets. All flights we want are already booked. Not to panic, this is just a minor glitch. So long as we don’t want to sit together on either flight, don’t mind being routed through nine cities on the outbound leg and 11 cities on the return, we’re fine.

V-90 days: Time to start thinking about clothes for the trip. Plenty of time for leisurely catalog shopping. Start placing a few orders. Humm – backordered, backordered, out of stock, no longer available, in stock but not in the color I want, in stock in the color I want but not in the size I want. Well, not to panic, plenty of time. Even the backorder stuff will be here ten days before the trip.

V-30 days: Go to the library to check out a couple of travel books for some leisurely reading and planning. All books I want are checked out. Not to panic, plenty of time. V-20 days: All books still out at library. I decide to just spend the money and buy a couple. Go to bookstore instead, books I need are out of stock. Will take about 10 days to get. Not to panic, plenty of time for them to arrive.

V-10 days: Clothes arrive from catalogs. All are wrong. No time to reorder. Not to panic, plenty of time – just go to a local store. However, even though it’s 90 degrees out and we’re off to a warm location, the local stores all have their winter merchandise in. Don’t need a parka or long underwear. Finally give up, decide to just wear the old clothes I have at home. After all, who really needs a bathing suit for a vacation?

V-9 days: Airline tickets have still not arrived at travel agent. Books have not arrived at bookstore. Prescription refill is delayed because the doctor needs to see me first, and his next appointment is in 2006. Time for minor panic.

V-8 days: Stepped on glasses while looking for suitcase in closet. Ordered another pair, paid $63 for rush shipping, will be here in 7 days.

V-7 days: Good lord – we leave in a week!!??!

V-6 days: Have a head cold and a stress rash. Doctor says it will be fine in about eight days. Guess I can just sneeze and scratch for the first two days of the trip. Can’t buy cold medicine at the drugstore because I might use it to make meth, which at the moment might be a better use of my time than taking a vacation.

V-5 days: Dog is sick.

V-4 days: Zipper on suitcase is broken. Make rush trip to luggage store to buy another one. $230 I hadn’t planned on spending. Only available color is camouflage brown and green – gee, that won’t make me stand out in the security line. Buy the suitcase anyway. Get it home, dog throws up in it. Have to hang the suitcase and the dog outside in the hopes that they’ll both air out.

V-3 days: Tickets finally arrive. Airline has canceled one of the connecting flights. Now have a two-day layover in Fargo, North Dakota. Travel books show up. Turns out the books are for places we’re not even going now, and none of them cover Fargo. Panic ratchets up a notch or two.

V-2 days: Airline is on strike. Hotel where we’re staying is on strike. Monsoon predicted. Dog threw up on wife’s walking shoes. She can’t handle the odor, so I offer to pack them in my suitcase which never did air out very well but at least the shoe odor isn’t noticeable.

V-1 day: Crisis at work. Have to stay late, which leaves me 46 minutes to pack if I want to get two hours of sleep. Forgot to do laundry – thought I had plenty of time. Take all my travel clothes and put them in the hot tub, turn all the pumps on, add detergent. Hot tub needed cleaning anyway. Throw the suitcase in for good measure. Glasses finally show up at doctor’s office.

Make special trip to pick them up. Wrong color, too late to order new ones. Have a choice between taking the red and yellow Elton John Special they shipped, or taking my old glasses with duct tape on them. Full panic sets in. Dog finally feeling better, wants to play, eats one of wife’s vomit-tinted walking shoes. Special trip to town to get shoes. Only snow boots and close-out green tennis shoes available in her size. Get one pair of each just in case.

Can’t find duct tape to fix glasses. Toilet is stuck and won’t stop running. Suds from hot tub have flooded the garage. Work calls with “one or two quick questions” – on the phone for two hours. Car has a flat tire, need to change it before going to the airport. It’s snowing in Fargo!!!!

V + 14 days: Is there anything more relaxing than finally coming home from a long and stressful vacation?