Lighterside - Paul Bianchina - Cascade Arts & Entertainment

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(March Issue available 2/24/12)

Lighterside - Paul Bianchina

Tracing Origins Valentine’s Day

January 11, 1922. The back room of Values at Tiny’s General Store, somewhere in America.

“What’s the matter Boss? Why the long face?”

“Oh, it’s all this-here inventory I’m stuck with,” Tiny complained. “Sales were slow over Christmas, and I’ve got all this darn candy that didn’t sell. I still got me four cases a’ those stuffed bears I thought the kiddies would want. And to top it all off, that fast talk’n’ salesman from Omaha sold me all that red wrapp’n paper, an’ it didn’t sell neither. I got me a back room stuffed to the rafters with choco-lat and stuffed bears and red paper, and nothin’ to do with it!”

“That is a problem Boss. Ain’t no holi-days coming up where people want candy nor stuffed bears until the Fourth of Ju-ly. And if it gits hot like it did last spring, we’ll have us a big ol’ puddle of choco-lat long before anyone gits to buying anything.”

“See, that’s just it,” said Tiny. “Ain’t enough holi-days where people eat candy. Nobody wants the darn stuff for Washington’s or Lincoln’s birthdays. Easter’s okay, but it’s all bunnies and junk, not stuffed bears, and none of the boxed choco-lats like we got all over this here back room. I’m gonna go broke!”

Cell Phone Ban? The Swallow 9000 Rescue!

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December 13, 2011: The National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) today called for a ban on all cell phone use by drivers. The federal agency said its decision was based on a decade-long investigation into “distraction-related accidents”.

The NTSB also urged states to ban all hands-free devices, including wireless headsets. The board said that their studies indicated that talking on a wireless headset led to serious risks for drivers, just as they do when taking their hands off the wheel to hold a phone to their ear.

January 1, 2013: The controversial National Idiots Texting While Incurring Trauma law– NITWIT for short – which came about from the NTSB’s strong recommendations over a year ago about the dangers of cell phones, texting, and distracted drivers, went into effect today. The federal law is aimed at the estimated 97.86 percent of drivers who save all of their phone calls for when they’re in their cars. Critics of the new law say it will have unforeseen consequences.

Congress? We’ll Be Alright Without ‘Em

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‘Twas the night before Christmas, and throughout the realm,
It seemed there was no one, in charge at the helm.
The stockings were hung, the tree was alight,
While all of DC, seemed unaware of our plight.

The children were nestled, in bed for the night,
While the politicians settled in, to keep up the fight
The population be damned, was the rallying cry,
It’s more important to us, that we bleed ‘em all dry!

You’re Never Too Old for Rubber Socks

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Recognizing that the birthday numbers are getting larger, and body parts are locking up or falling off with disturbingly increased regularity, lately I’ve been finding myself paying more and more attention to those “one of these days I’d like to…” kinds of things.

One of those was hiking through a portion of Zion National Park known as The Narrows. I’d seen it on different nature shows over the years, and for whatever reason it was a source of constant fascination for me. It isn’t exactly climbing Mount Everest, but it’s not a normal hike either. It’s actually a trek through a slot canyon that’s been carved out by a river, and what makes it so unique is that for most of the way, you’re walking in the river itself.

TV – It’s All About The Balance

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So, did you spend part of last night slowly killing yourself?
The fall TV season in now in full swing, and if, like me, you spent any of last evening engrossed in any part of it, that’s exactly what you were doing. At least that’s what we’re now being told. According to some interesting Australian lifestyle data, each hour of television you watch is going to shorten your lifespan by a whopping 22 minutes! If you’re over 25 and watch the tube an average of six hours per day, plan on living at least five years less than those who don’t watch it.
Okay. Interesting stuff. But personally, I find a lot of holes in that theory. For example, what if you shut off the TV and spent the same six hours per day doing something else. Say, talking to your spouse. Your lifespan would actually plummet.

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