December 13, 2011:  The National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) today called for a ban on all cell phone use by drivers.  The federal agency said its decision was based on a decade-long investigation into “distraction-related accidents”.

The NTSB also urged states to ban all hands-free devices, including wireless headsets.  The board said that their studies indicated that talking on a wireless headset led to serious risks for drivers, just as they do when taking their hands off the wheel to hold a phone to their ear.

January 1, 2013:  The controversial National Idiots Texting While Incurring Trauma law– NITWIT for short – which came about from the NTSB’s strong recommendations over a year ago about the dangers of cell phones, texting, and distracted drivers, went into effect today.  The federal law is aimed at the estimated 97.86 percent of drivers who save all of their phone calls for when they’re in their cars.  Critics of the new law say it will have unforeseen consequences.

January 2, 2013:  Auto mechanics nationwide today reported being swamped with calls from drivers who were unable to start their cars.  Some of the backlog of calls was relieved when emergency public service announcements were instituted on radio and television advising drivers that yes, your car will actually start without your cell phone being in use.  For those drivers who are still not convinced of that, mechanics are advising that they try randomly pushing buttons on their phone while turning their ignition key.

January 4, 2013:  911 call centers across the United States have reported a dramatic increase in frantic calls from drivers who are unable to steer their vehicles.  911 operators attribute this phenomenon to what’s become known as “Wheel Freeze”.  Drivers who for years have been steering with their knees while they punched numbers and texted messages, suddenly find themselves with their hands back on the steering wheel.  This combination of trying to turn the wheel with their hands from above and their knees from below causes the steering to lock in a straight line.  Special grease pads have been introduced which, when applied to the tops of a driver’s knees, cause just enough slippage to allow the hands to take control of the steering wheel.  

“We’re hoping that, with enough time, drivers can again learn to steer with their hands,” said Josh Anderson of the NTSB.  “We really didn’t understand driver’s dependence on their knees for steering, but hopefully in a year or two, the grease pads will no longer be necessary.”
July 1, 2013:  Oil companies report a dramatic drop in profits through the first two quarters of the year.  They attribute this to an 86 percent drop in vehicle use since the NITWIT law went into effect.  
August 15, 2013:  At the Las Vegas electronics show, all eyes were on the Orange Computers booth as their long-awaited new cell phone, designed to circumvent the restrictive NITWIT law, was finally unveiled.

The Swallow 9000.

“The Swallow 9000 is truly revolutionary” said Steve Orange, CEO of Orange Computers and the brainchild of the new phone.  “It’s the first and only phone of its kind that’s designed to become fully integrated with your body.  It’s the logical next step in the evolution of the cell phone, and consumers have been clamoring for something like this for years.  

“The Swallow 9000 comes in capsule form, and, as its name implies, you simply take it out of the box and swallow it.  Within 30 minutes, the Swallow 9000 will become lodged in your digestive tract, and your stomach enzymes will eat away the protective outer layer of the phone and activate the battery.  At that point, you’ll get a ringing tone in your ears, which will prompt you to go outside to an area that’s in bright sunlight but sheltered from cosmic rays, stand facing south-southeast, hold your arms at an 46-degree angle away from your body, and remain rigid in that position while the Swallow 9000 downloads your program information from our exclusive NippleLink satellite.

“Your new Swallow 9000 phone is now programmed and ready to go.  No more worrying about dialing, texting, or any or that.  It’s perfectly safe to use in the car, or anywhere for that matter.  To make a call, tip your head to the left.  To end the call, tip your head to the right.  Raising or lowering your chin adjusts the volume.  Squeezing your fingertips programs new numbers into the virtual memory.  Squeezing your butt cheeks recalls the numbers you want from memory.  It’s all very simple.

“And best of all, you don’t actually speak, you just think about what you want to say, and the Swallow 9000 does the rest.  No longer will you be annoying people in stores, restaurants, theaters, meetings, and all the rest with your overly loud ‘cell-phone voice’ – unless you want to, of course, ha ha!

“And finally, the best part of all – recharging the battery.  The Swallow 9000 comes complete with an electric recharging toilet seat.  That’s right!  Simply replace your existing toilet seat with this comfortable, all-electric recharging seat, and every time you sit down to, uh, take care of a little business, you get the Swallow 9000 recharged at the same time.* (*Warning for users with constipation or those who like to read in the bathroom: Maximum recharge time three minutes.  Risk of fire or explosion if Swallow 9000 is charged for longer than that).

August 16, 2013:  Orange Computers today announced that its initial production run of 12,500,000 Swallow 9000 Cell Phones sold out in the first 36 minutes.  It also announced the introduction of the Swallow 9500, which will make the Swallow 9000 obsolete.

The Swallow 9000 will require surgical removal by Orange Computer-Certified Surgical Technicians.

Paul Bianchina can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it for comments.