The big fall elections are just around the corner, and politicians at every level are gearing up for some tough races. With the economy still in the doldrums, I figure money’s gotta be tight everywhere, even in the political races. I really feel for those hardworking men and women who’re trying to scrape up the bucks they need to get out there and somehow convince us to vote for them, so I wanted to do my part.
I don’t have any desire to part with actual money in the form of a campaign contribution, but I did come up with a way I could still help them out financially. And it’s fair to both parties. I’ve created the first-ever do-it-yourself political speech that any candidate can use, free of charge. They’ll save on expensive speech writers and all those high-dollar spin-doctors. All they have to do is follow the instructions, fill in the blanks, and it’ll work for anyone running for any office, in any party, at level.
No need to thank me.
“My Fellow ____ (insert “Americans” for national office, or name of state, city, school district, sewer district, homeowner’s association, etc.). My name is _____ (insert your name here, in case that wasn’t clear). I want to _____ (“be” if you’re new, or “continue to be” if you’re the incumbent) your next _____ (insert office being sought).
“The office of _____ (insert office being sought. This should match the previous line or you’re really going to confuse everyone) requires a person who’s willing to work hard for you, each and every _____ (insert “day”, “hour”, “minute” or other timeframe to best indicate how hard you’re going to work. If you’re running for state or U.S. Congress and you’re not really inclined to work, then just stop after “requires a person”).
“I’ll do everything in my power to protect ____ (select one or more items from the following list to show exactly what it is you’re going to protect: family-wage jobs, children, money, schools, unions, forests, sewers, whales. Caution: You’ll no doubt want to show that you’re going to protect everything, but be careful when combining words; i.e. “protect your children’s right to hold family-wage jobs”, or “protect the whale unions”.)
“Once I’m elected, it will be my number one priority to create ____ new jobs. (If you’re running for a local office, use a number that’s in the hundreds or low thousands. For state offices, use a number in the tens of thousands, and for national office select a number in the hundreds of thousands. Keep the number large but vague – there’s no way to check it, and when you don’t achieve it, it’s the other guy’s fault anyway).
“I will also improve _____ (select a minimum of 10 items that you plan to improve, using suggestions from the following list: the economy, schools, roads, infrastructure, the military, parks, rivers and streams, fish habitat, police services, fire services, medical care, public transportation, senior care, farms, highways, food stamps, college loans, illegal immigration, opportunities for undocumented workers, jail overcrowding, court backlogs, prayer in school, separation of church and state, the right to bear arms, gun control, healthy school lunches, candy and pizza in schools. Caution: If your speech is being televised, after promising all of the things you’re going to improve, pause long enough for your nose to return to its normal length before continuing.)
“In conclusion, it’s clear that my opponent, _____, (name your opponent here, since most people aren’t really paying much attention to politics any more, and may not know who it is) is totally unqualified for the job because he/she _____ (select from the following list of reasons why the person is unqualified: too liberal, not liberal enough, too conservative, not conservative enough, too rich, too poor, never had a job, never had a business, has never been in politics, has been in politics too long, drives an imported car, drives an SUV, isn’t green enough, is too green, lives in town, lives outside of town, plays golf, has big feet, doesn’t wear an American flag pin, grazes cattle on public lands, doesn’t have a birth certificate, is a different religion than you are, has done insider trading, believes in space aliens, has been caught with hookers, has an innie or outie, wears boxers or briefs.
You can also combine as many of these as you want, but again, do so with caution. You might, for example, say that your opponent is too conservative, drives an imported car, and lives outside of town. You shouldn’t say he’s too rich because he’s been doing insider trading of space alien hookers on public lands. Unless he has.
There now. If that speech doesn’t get you elected, nothing will!
Paul can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.